Confessions of a murderer
I’ve been told that if I’d write a story about murdering the one I’m angry with, I’d feel much better. I woke up with bloody hands. I am a murderer. Not only had I destroyed his soul a few months ago…but I’ve murdered him.
Hi, I am an average girl, a despicable slut from a small town…and the story of my murdering started three years ago. I was young, naïve and innocent. I was looking for happiness and I finally found what I’ve been looking for. He had the most beautiful hazel eyes I’ve ever seen, the most luscious lips I’ve ever tasted, a poor innocent soul. We lived very far from each other, many kilometers away, but this didn’t stop us from having the biggest crush on one another. I loved him, oh how I loved him. I gave up on many things I used to do, going out with the girls, I even gave up smoking for awhile, I was through with that bloody nightlife. He changed me. And I’ve changed him. I showed him how it is to be loved, and he showed me the same thing. We were in love. He was my best friend, boyfriend, lover and future husband….
This until I moved out of town…
I was in a whole new world, I’ve never seen before, I was lost again in the life of lights and party. And I slowly started losing my mind, my own common sense. I started making horrible things. Having horrible thoughts. Never taught about anyone else but myself, the fool I was. I was too blind to see I was killing him with all my thoughts and deeds and me calling him names, Oh my good Lord, how could I be such dumb fool!? I’m sorry… I will forever be sorry for not thinking that I would kill my own soul together with his. And he suffered and suffered and endured the horror I’ve shown him every day. Every single day was a drop of bloody tear from his eyes in his little heart. Until I realized I am murdering my own guardian angel. I swear to you my God; I didn’t mean to, I’ve tried to be good.
Throughout these three years, I’ve been living in the dream that I will be with him forever, but I always had to back down and something always got into my way…evil things, my own thoughts. I’ve been waiting for days, weeks, months for him to come and we would move together, having our own apartment and maybe a little dog…we’ve even made up a name for him, Ford, our little Westie.
But nothing, no sign of my dream coming true…nothing! I was furious, angry with him, angry with myself of having such dreams…how foolish…selfish….I was selfish.
Let me tell you, which part of the picture I haven’t seen…I’ve never thought of the fact, that he doesn’t have the financial background for making this step, not that he didn’t want to do that for me, he just couldn’t. I was thinking about my own background, of course I got anything I wanted from my parents, not much love and happiness though. I started going out again.
I felt the taste of the nightlife. And in that time it felt so good, I didn’t care about the rest of the world.
-Screw them! I don’t care about them if they don’t give me what I want! This is what I want!...and I light a cigarette.
The bitter poison was running through my lungs and veins and it felt so good, I haven´t felt a drop of guilt.
And then I lied, I started lying, fearing that I will lose him forever. And I knew he didn’t buy any of my shit…and I lied and a lied again. But all this time, I’ve never been unfaithful, and he was the only man I loved and wanted. But I still continued lying. I don’t remember passing through a week without crying at least once… I felt guilty, I felt insecure, I felt love, but I felt pain and hate and all these mixed together made me murder his little, innocent soul.
And then he came to me, he kissed me, it felt so good again. It was a few days before Christmas. We went to dinner and then to the movies. I felt dirty. Guilty. When we got home I burst into tears and couldn’t stop. I loved him, oh how I loved him, and I knew I didn’t deserve him. A wonderful man, an innocent soul. Afraid of losing him, I’ve promised myself that I’ll stop being that despicable bitch I used to be before I met him. I’ve promised myself that I’ll make him happy again, and I’ll dedicate my life to him, and only him. This was my biggest mistake….. I didn’t promise him…I should’ve made that promise to him! I’ve never shown him my real feelings…I honestly don’t understand why?! Am I a coward? Or am I selfish? Maybe both. One thing is sure…I’ve made terrible mistakes, that now I regret from the bottom of my heart.
And three weeks of happiness came. A wonderful Christmas, a wonderful anniversary, a wonderful New Year’s Eve, and then… the end of my life, and happiness. He threw me away. He kicked me out like I was some kind of toy throughout these three weeks. His little heart was full of the bloody tears I caused. He didn’t love me anymore, and oh how I loved him. I was destroyed in that night he told me… I was desperate to get him back. I’ve promised him the stars with the moon…and nothing…he didn’t want me back…
On one day, maybe after a few weeks, maybe after a month, I don’t know, I got on the train, with the thought of making him fall in love with me again. How cute and romantic… I knew where he lived, although all these three years I’ve been there only once. I went to his house, and started knocking on the door, hoping he would answer. He did, he didn’t seem surprised that I was there. Why? Was he expecting me? Was he dreaming of this moment? That I’ll come back crying so he can take me back? No…he just didn’t care. As a nice person he was he invited me in, knowing that I’ve made a long journey by train. We sat down in the kitchen. He was lovely, those beautiful hazel eyes I loved, those lips, oh how I wanted to kiss those lips, oh how I loved him. He gave me a glass of water and cut me a loaf of warm bread he just bought from the store; he left the bread and knife on the table. We didn’t get to talk much…when the doorbell rang… he rushed to the door, and then came back with some girl he claimed to be his girlfriend. My mind went blank, I jumped up with the knife in my hand and started cutting and stabbing several times…it happened so fast… I can’t even remember…all I’ve seen was two corpses on the ground…my hands were bloody, the doorbell rang… I woke up.
I’ve murdered the one I’m angry with, I’ve murdered my love and his love… do I feel better? No, the only one murdered is his soul and mine, our love… I’m wandering the streets lonely like a shadow, I have no name, no ID, no phone number…I’m a murderer.
